Tonight, in a town called “Newtown”, just a few states from Connecticut, I crawled in bed with my sleeping kiddos for one last cuddle. In these past few days, like many of you, I find it hard to look at a child, hear a giggle, or touch one of my own little people without thinking about the murders of last week.
How many times have I taken time with my children for granted? How much do those families of the lost wish they had another laugh, another hug, another moment?
What is both frustrating and interesting to me is that I keep trying to gather information about “Why” this could have happened. When articles on the internet pop up on “Shooter’s Motive”, I find myself drawn to them. Will knowing WHY help resolve the hurt and the questions in my own mind?
Asking why after a hurtful behavior goes against everything I’ve learned in the field of early childhood mental health. A child does something wrong (kicks, hits, lies, hurts a child with words, etc.) – we are taught never to ask “Why?”
The reason we don’t ask why is that there is NO GOOD reason for hurtful behavior. There is no correct answer or explanation for why you would ever hurt another person. Even the “they hurt me first” response should be met with the classic “two wrongs don’t make a right” or “what is a better way to handle that?” reply.
So WHY am I so obsessed with WHY when it really doesn’t even matter. It won’t bring those children back. It won’t bring comfort to those who lost a child. Whatever the reason, it won’t be a reason we will ever accept as justification for what happened in Newtown, Connecticut last week.
So, I urge less focus on the person who committed the crime, and less energy on figuring out WHY. Let’s focus more on the victims, on what can we all do to help prevent this in the future, and most importantly, on anything we can do to help the families affected and the community of Newtown, CT.
Our best gift this season is every single day with our own children. I am done asking WHY. I am simply and humbly grateful for each moment.
Hi Kari,
Great piece. I think we look for something tangible to answer the “why”. This way, we can protect ourselves from that why and make sure it doesn’t happen to us. We need a why so we can stop something like this from happening at our school. The problem is, as you say, is that often there is no why. Someone once told me that being a parent makes the world a much scarier place and leaves you vulnerable in ways you never dreamed of. Our children are a piece of us that is out in the big world, on their own, and we can’t always protect them.
Thanks for your words Krista. Parenting is such a mix of feeling protective, and in the next second, powerless. I like your perspective.